Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
