Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
