I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
