i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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