Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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