So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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