i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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