Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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