: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
