kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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