just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
