i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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