If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
