He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
