I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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