My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize