I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick