the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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