I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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