you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
