I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
