I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
false alarm, still single
Randomize
