Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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