my soul wont recognize me after tonight
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
