Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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