why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
