I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
