drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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