I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We are all done wearing pants today
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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