Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
