somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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