don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
that may or may not have been my penis.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
