i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
