this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Sext me about skeletons
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
