I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
