Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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