it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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