We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
