There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
