I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
