Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
well you can't waste a boner
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
