three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
try to milk me bitch
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