we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
