There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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