Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
