There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
