I can tuck mytits in my pants
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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