my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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