So drunk its hurt
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
