god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Randomize
