Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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