Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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