goodnight i made you a song goodbye
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
