Ambien. No doubt about it.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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