Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
